"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides and when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathless, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love", which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."
-Captain Corelli's Mandolin

There is so much in my heart and in my head that I want to say. That I need to say. But something keeps me from saying anything at all.

FEAR

Will you like me for who I am? Will it be enough for you when you find out that I'm just me?

UNCERTAINTY

What if I confess what's in my heart? What if I say the things I long to say? What if I throw caution to the wind and say everything thats on my mind?

How can I break through this barrier of reservations?

I can't pretend that I'm something I'm not. I need to show you who I am.

VULNERBILITY

My heart is lying on the table.

OPEN. RAW.

I release it. It is in your hands.

HOPE

Love

hands linked
hearts entwined
beating as one

tiny hairs standing on end
goose bumps raised
as lips gently collide

warmth spreads through
as the wind whispers softly
in the glow of the moon
the tender sweet words of love
old and new

You smiled that smile
And I got lost in those deep dark eyes

You laughed out loud
And my heart skipped a beat

You spoke sweet kind words
And I melted inside

I fell for you
And I waited for you to catch me

Now I am left picking up my broken mess

I'm back!! Okay. So ..... things have been a little crazy busy around here lately. I just started cleaning full time last week. I was absolutely exhausted by the end of the week! And starting this week I am going to be babysitting Sophie once a week in the evening. Im glad that Im still going to be able to see her. I am still in school. One more month and then I am done for the summer!! yay!! Then I will be finishing up my certificate in the fall, doing classes during the day this time, instead of night, and correspondence. I have 5 classes to complete, and then my two practicums. And then I might go back again for another year to get my diploma. Then I will be done. Horray. It feels like such a long time away. At the end of March, my family and I went to BC to visit Ryan and Robyn. We had a really good time. We hung out lots, went shopping, went to the aquarium, went to Granville Island. That was fun - but super cold! It even snowed while we were there!! Crazy! Nothing much else has been going on.... This past friday, I went to see the African Childrens Choir. It was sooo amazing!! They had such energy and enthusiasm. It was incredible. And they were sooo cute!!! And - haha.... I even got to dance with one of the little boys... lol. They were doing this one song, and then all of a sudden some of the children were coming into the aisles and asking people to dance with them. This one little boy came down our aisle, and stopped beside me and asked me to dance with him. How could I say no??!! So I said okay, and got up and coppied his moves. well - attempted to... My face was honestly beat red, Im sure. But it was pretty fun. And thats about it for me. Nothing else much exciting going on. (I hope that was a good enough up-date for you Manzie... ) lol.

Vulnerbility

Where do these masks come from that we hide behind? Why do we have them? And why are they so hard to get rid of? Maybe its because we're afraid to show our true selves. Again we are afraid of rejection - afraid that people won't like our true selves. Maybe it's because we've been hurt too many times, and can't stand to be let down, rejected, and so we hide. Or maybe it's because being vulnerable is the hardest thing in the world to do. It strips you right down, letting all the pretences, and fakeness fall away, leaving you naked. There is nothing in which to hide. It shows every flaw, and every detail, and every beautiful part of who we are. We need to tear down these walls that we have built around our hearts, and rip off these masks that we hide behind and find comfort in. Embrace our vulnerability, and be blessed because of it. Who cares if someone does not like us, or find us funny, or pretty. Do not look at the one person who tears you down, but at the multitude of people who build you up, and love us for the beauty they find in ourselves, in our vulnerbility, where our true beauty lies.

Hearts desires

I've been thinking lately about life, and all the confusion and questions and complications it brings with it. Life would be so much easier if you knew what you wanted and went for it, instead of always having doubts, second guessing yourself, and forever obsessing over the could'ves, should'ves, maybes and what ifs. But how does one go about finding what they really want? Is it just a matter of looking deep in the longings of your heart and finding it there, does one find it through praying or do you just know, because it feels right and perfect and good. I struggle. I struggle with not knowing my hearts desires. I struggle not being able to distinguish the voice of my heart from my head, which are saying two different things. How can that be? And where is God in this? Where is He speaking from, my heart, my head, neither? Why is it that we want something that we don't have, and then when we have it, we suddenly don't want it anymore, and turn to something bigger and better. Is it the thrill of the chase, are we like children, wanting something even more, because someone has said no, or is it simply for personal satisfaction, proving to others, and ourselves that indeed we can obtain that ellusive prize, therefore ultimatly gaining approval and perhaps acceptance. I want to be selfish and get what I want, have the person that I desire desire me, have the life I long for, be that person I aspire to be. I want to get what I want and not be left with it's bitter taste in my mouth.